The Beauty Behind Jealousy

Feb 2, 2015
3 min read

Ali Hie

In relationships, jealousy is usually regarded as bad and is often assumed to be a symptom of a lack of trust. Jealousy and trust though do not go hand in hand, as is so often assumed. When a partner reaches out and expresses that they feel jealous or insecure, and the other partner interprets this as not being trusted, it creates two things: Anger/upset for the partner who feels they are not trusted, and guilt for their own feelings for the partner in pain.

What is all too often forgotten is that jealousy, honest jealousy, is the feeling of belonging to/with someone and our desire to preserve this. It stems from the feeling of This is mine and I am yours, and that is actually something exquisite.

If instead of going on the defense in our relationships when partners voice concerns, instead, one looked at how lovely it is to have someone who cares enough to worry about the relationship, defensiveness would not be necessary. Listening and thinking about how the other person must be feeling, and thanking them for caring, and explaining whatever needs explaining would eliminate the creation of anger and guilt. . This is not to be misinterpreted with possessiveness, which is not jealousy; possessiveness uses jealousy and feelings of insecurity as a crutch to gain control and should not be tolerated. In possessive or emotionally abusive relationships it will not matter how you respond to their upsets, the problem will never be fixed.

In non-abusive relationships, staying away from defensiveness also eliminates carrying on bad feelings, and would resolve an issue spot on. It is truly unresolved issues, which are the cause for most issues with trust, on whatever level that may be. Often, depicted in the media and in our lives, we are shown that jealousy is something to feel ashamed of, bad for, or guilty of. I think that we should feel jealous – wholly - when we do, as it is not something that should be suppressed, it is our instincts. And, anytime we ignore our instincts, those little glints or twinges we have, we create problems bigger than the original feeling. This does not just apply to jealousy, or relationships; it applies to all things.

This is not to say that every twinge we have is right, and thank goodness for that, but if we do not voice and act on and own these feelings, we will never know the truth. And, not knowing the truth and leaving something to potentially fester in the back of one’s mind, is more problematic than whatever the original problem could ever be. To build a relationship and a life, where you able to voice a worry, a fear, a doubt, without the fear of ridicule, allows one to be completely honest and honesty, especially with yourself and your partner, will free your mind. Your feelings do not make you crazy, despite some of them being completely wrong, way off base, or completely unfathomable; holding on to them and not voicing them, is what will make you feel crazy. If one is listening, supporting and reassuring the person having jealous feelings, openly and honestly, there should be no reason to not resolve the problem and move on. If it doesn’t, one would have to re-evaluate the real root of the problem.

The beauty behind jealousy is that it is a real emotion that comes forth from real, sincere, beautiful feelings at the heart of it. It is how we deal with it that has made it such an ugly, destructive force.