"The Talk" - A Look at How There Are More Gains Than Losses When It Comes to Losing Virgin

While watching the first episode of #pillowtawk something struck me when Jaime Primak Sullivan referred to losing virginity. I’ve used the term, heard the term, and understand that it is the norm for explaining when someone has sex for the first time. What struck me though, was how the phrase is inherently incorrect. Yes, there is a loss, without a doubt some say; a loss of innocence, others say a loss of virtue but I think both of those are incorrect as well. The loss is physical and only for women. I just find it odd that we would put sex with an association of loss, when really; having sex is ALWAYS –always - more about a gain.

Having sex is not about losing anything. When we make the decision to have sex we are taking on far more than we are losing. I think that explaining a “first time” to the youth of today would have far more benefits, if looked at in this way. The act of sex is expressing love, emotion, and bare human instinct, so in an idealistic world the act of sex would be to build a connectedness to your sexual partner and to yourself.

Having sex has gains on every level: emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally – and they are all tied together whether we want them to be or not. A wallet can be lost, your keys can be lost – the truth is having sex for the first time isn’t replaceable like losing these items, and the things you can gain from sex can never be taken away, for you or from you.

We shy our kids away from being exposed to the knowledge of.... (Whispers)... sex, and then, if our kids are lucky enough to have someone, once they are old enough, they get the explanation about the mechanics and usually why they should wait. The media (yes I went there) showcases the youth’s “virginity” as something to quickly lose, like a bad habit, especially for young men, but I think that putting a bigger focus on what is gained through having sex is a more fair and realistic approach, when it comes time to have.... those talks.

In fact, many of us have no problem having sex sell us a burger or a car or a beer, but have trouble formulating and communicating with our own partners, and friends, and doctors so perhaps it would be more beneficial for all of us, to focus more on the gains of our sexual experiences and less on the initial “losses.”

Often the initial act of sex is driven purely by emotions. That’s right, more so than physically, emotionally. And not just for women. Whether the emotions are based from love or pressure; sexual arousal is an emotion on its own. Like sadness, it can have physical effects like tears, sexual arousal has physical effects as well, but it is at its core, an emotion. And, as like getting to know ourselves, and how we react to our all of our emotions, we must learn and make decisions based on our sexual emotions as well. But what we gain from our sexual experiences emotionally can be so much more. The purpose of the sexual experiences emotionally, is at its base the human connection, our desire to be wanted, loved, and for that feeling to be shared. When we don’t look at these and act in these experiences in regard of our emotional health, we create feelings of rejection, isolation, and sometimes hate. It is only after we’ve had the sexual experience does sex offer us something to lose, like a partner, a time in our lives or sometimes the loss of self. You have to have gained something before there can be a loss.

Then, there are the physical gains that come from sex. Like babies, lets not forget that this is how we all got here and arguably one of the most core elements of our human existence, comes from sex. Once again, not a loss there but some massive and extraordinary gains of self, others and responsibility. And then of course, sexually transmitted diseases and infections, which there is still stigma surrounding, even when sexually transmitted infections are so common that their existence is the reason why women are encouraged to have pap smears and screenings regularly once they have become sexually active and if treated early enough can be cured. The best physical gain is obviously the experience of the act in itself, but that is only one part of even just the physical aspects of sex. Again, just gains.

When I say the spiritual gains, I’m not referring to a relationship with a god, although for many that is an important factor here, but what I am meaning is more about your soul. You know, the part of you that makes you –you and the part that you have to live with for the rest of your life. Sex should bring things to the table, not take them away for our spirituality, even in sex that is casual, alone or within a marriage. It is about a deeper level of giving then any thing else. (No pun intended.)

Mentally: the gains of sex here are probably the most fulfilling but also the most consuming, as the mind is said to be the biggest sexual organ humans have. Leading up to our first sexual experience and in all experiences after that, it is mentally that we take on the most. And this can be wonderful or it can prove excruciating, no matter what degree your sexual experience is at.

The truth is that we, and our children, are going to be exposed to sex, it is whether they/we are armed with the knowledge of the gains, or confused by the idea of a loss, that might make a difference in how sex is viewed. To lose something sounds too easy and carless; to handle everything that is gained from it, is more realistic.

#Editions