Ladylike and Boys-will-be-Boys: A Thought.

I grew up in the 90’s in a time when my mother would tell me that I could grow up to be anything I wanted to be. What a relief to be able to say that to a young girl. But even with all the progressiveness in the world I was still aware of the terms “ladylike” and “boys will be boys.”

I remember being little and, although not able to articulate my feelings so well, feeling put off by the terms. Ladylike felt like it was applied to the things I was restricted to feeling, doing, participating in, standing, sitting, dressing, playing, talking, and having human functions. And, boys-will-be-boys felt like it was the excuses made for when a boy acted out, got in fights, got muddy, swore, was rude, disobeyed, or got into mischief.

I remember feeling from a very early age like there was something very off about the two statements. As I got older, they started to be said for different things and in different ways but represented the same: restrictions and excuses.

I know that the people who have and who do use these terms do not necessarily mean to have the impact that they do, their intentions are not to excuse away all of a male’s behavior or to demonize a female for hers, but that’s what the phrases do.

I now feel torn coming in to my late twenties about gender neutralizing everything.

I do not have a newborn at the moment; I have my nine-year-old (step) son.

I find myself being very conscious of the terms he’s using and hearing, and the one’s I’m hearing and saying. “Throw like a little girl” and “man up,” terms that I had heard all the time now sound deafening when they are said around my son. For one I don’t ever want him to feel like what he is doing makes him any less of a male, and I don’t want him to think that what is less than a male is a female. I also don't want him to ever feel like he is excused from behaving properly just because of his gender.

Now I think about the two terms and how we can gender neutralize everything, like colors, activities, toys, clothing, hair styles, but we can’t gender neutralize gender. And we can’t, I see now as a grown woman, ignore that there are vast differences between the sexes, our similarities out way the differences, but there are differences, if there were no difference we’d all be exactly the same and we’re not.

Being a lady is hardly an insult, the word exudes a power or professionalism, or self- assuredness, at least to me. And referring to a boy as a boy is hardly negative either except that no one’s gender is responsible for of that person’s decisions or actions only the people themselves are responsible for that.

I think asking to not use those terms would be too farfetched, but we could change what they mean to us and our children and when they are said. Like boys will be boys when they’ve done something great not when they need an excuse for their behavior. Or if not being ladylike was referred to when a young girl felt unconfident or less than rather than when she is speaking, acting or thinking aggressively, passionately or without care. Just a thought.

#Editions