Everybody's got a Story: Getting Out Alive.

Welcome to Everybody’s got a Story. For this month’s segment I sat down with a courageous young women who found herself trapped in an abusive marriage and managed to get her family out alive. She was kind enough to share with me her thoughts on red flags in relationships, how to get away and why so many women stay.

For Stef, she thought her dreams had come true when she found herself in love with a kind, respectable, church-going young man, who after only three months of knowing each other, assured her that they were meant to be together forever, and proposed.

In their early dating and engagement, Stef recalled definitive moments in hindsight, like his desire to correct her when listening to music other than gospel, or her indulging in other reading than the bible. But the way in which he corrected her made her feel as though this came from a place of care, and began to make her doubt her own decisions.

It wasn’t until after the wedding was over with that his colors began to show and the red flags began to mount.

• Control -None of her choices or ideas were the right ones and she was made to feel belittled for having them.

• Segregation - He began to express a dislike for her family and friends and again wanted to control the kinds of people she was spending her time with.

• Different personality – His attitude went from expressing himself as god-loving man trying to help his wife on her way to making derogatory and sexist remarks and comments about women in general.

• Family history – He was sharing with her that his father had been abusive to his mother when he was growing up.

• Loss of self – Stef began to find herself making decisions she thought he approve, found herself living the way he would want her to as a way to avoid arguments.

• It is starring you in the face – She recalled Googling signs of an unhealthy relationship and signs that you should leave your marriage and recalled stumbling upon a quote that said, “It is time to leave your relationship if you are Googling signs you should leave your relationship.”

When 7-months pregnant with their first child, while out on a ride with him for the paper route he had picked up on the side to help with the expected child, the same old argument came up again about her family and how he felt slighted by them. In no mood for this, the argument escaladed and her husband swerved the car off the road where it tumbled down into a ditch and landed upside down. Stef had to break through the back windshield and crawl out between the shards of glass to flag someone down to help. Her main concern was the safety of her unborn child, the argument and everything else was now meaningless, as she had to make sure the baby wasn’t injured. Her husband begged her not to tell that it had been done in anger. The car was totaled.

When the day of delivery came, they were in another argument about something they had always seemed to argue about and Stef ended up walking to the hospital alone to give birth. Angry that he would do this now of all times when there had already been such risk exposed to the baby at the 7-month mark, she contacted her sister to come be with her and told her sister and the doctor about what was happening. When the baby arrived, healthy and happy, Stef felt at ease that there had been no trauma from the crash. But because she had disclosed this information, a social worker was brought into the baby’s life right away.

With a 3-month old baby, a relationship that was already severely dysfunctional, and the stress that can come from being new parent’s alone, the couple had a fight about baby bottles; a normal new parent fight, only this was not a normal relationship. Her husband became so enraged that he smashed a glass bottle over her head and the left her bleeding out, with their baby left in her care. Wrapping her head in a t-shirt, Stef left for the hospital with her baby. She again, reached out to her sister, who alerted the Children’s Aid and the police. Eventually, Stef had to be honest with her parents about what was going on. Charges were pressed against her husband and he was released on bail and with strict orders to leave her alone.

Scared of being a single mother and all of the changes that she was going to face, the couple went against the court order and moved in together yet again. Years passed, and they had another child together, her husband had started a moving business, and purchased a moving truck in her name. This was where she realized that he was a con man. Agreeing to move the clients at a set rate, yet once arrived to their drop-off; he would say that he couldn’t unload the truck until he got paid. Further he would then throw out extra fees for there being stairs, or whatever he could swindle. Stef was starting to piece together the kind of person that he really was. The charmer in the beginning, like with her, and then the con.

Back and forth between being in the relationship, in shelters when needed and her parent’s home; Stef was growing tired and didn’t know what the right next move could be. We’re all familiar with the obvious question that all women in abusive relationships are asked “Why wouldn’t you just leave?” Stef shed some light on why she believes it can be so difficult for many women to get out of cycle of going back or staying.

• This becomes normal – when this is what you’re dealing with day-to-day there is numbness to the situation, as a way to survive and cope. And, no matter how bad normal is we all desire to cling to the security of the familiar over starting over all anew.

• The kidnapped syndrome – Stef compared it to when someone is held hostage for years, we hear that there are often opportunities when the captives are left with a door open, or a way out but they do not run.

• The impact and guilt – the feeling that what she would be left with would be a broken home, that perhaps she hadn’t tried hard enough.

When I asked her about the definitive moment she knew it was the end she told me that she was at Jackson Square, wasting time and avoiding going home, when she was approached by a middle-eastern woman and a woman who was trying to help translate for her. The women was very frightened and told her that her husband was abusing her and that they had two children together and that she was too afraid to go back and that she didn’t know what to do. Stef got on the phone and started calling women’s shelters and helped get her in contact with a social worker.

When she arrived home so late that day, her husband started accusing her of being with another man and forcefully checked her phone, her bag and her underwear. At this moment Stef knew the way out; she had just helped that lady get on the right track and now she was determined to do the same. And she took her children and left and so began a custody case over the children.

Stef had some straightforward advice to women who may find that they can relate to this story and aren’t sure how to get out.

• Tell someone – reach out

• Don’t be too proud to ask for help – You are in the exact situation why the help is there to begin with. Don’t think you’re not.

• There are resources - If it feels like you don’t have anywhere to go, there are shelters – That is no one’s dream but they are there to help and it is not permanent. You will get out of there. If it feels like you won’t be able to stand financially without them – there are resources, things in place to help you. Ask.

• Just do it. It does get better.

Although Stef is still in court, her life has improved drastically, finding work, a lovely home and a kind and considerate man to share her life with as well as to be a positive role model in her children’s lives. They have also had a child together and are happily in love.

I would like to thank Stef for sharing this with us. She has offered herself up for anyone in this position who needs someone to talk to about it. Please join us next month when I sit down with another soul to hear another story.

#Interview #EverybodysgotaStory